My 5 #TOPTVDADS

My Homage to Brilliant/Useless/Sexy/Dense/Funny TV Dads...

Sometimes the written word does not suffice so in addition to my blog post I have composed 2 small songs illustrating my joy for my Top TV dads...

"My Top TV Dads"... (Click this link to see video on you tube or click play below)

5th: ALBERT STEPTOE (Steptoe & Son)

Wilfred Brambell's portrayal of Steptoe as quite frankly the most intolerable, selfish, cantankerous old rodent known to man is possibly why I find him so endearing.

I was too young to watch the original series but began watching repeats during the mid 1980's and became fascinated by the father and sons' toxic relationship. Old man Steptoe's possessive and stifling hold on Harold was painful yet hilarious to watch. The TV film 'Steptoe & Son Ride Again' demonstrated perfectly the father's desperately parasitic and poisonous clasp held over his fully grown son, not allowing Harold to marry, causing tension, contributing nothing and letting his own fears of loneliness keep Harold well wedged under the thumb of his father.

Yet, humour is found in the most dire situations, how could forget the image of the old man taking his false teeth out to use as a pie-crimper? 

The father & son's prickly relationship and Harold's understandable efforts to maintain harmonious family relations within the Steptoe abode are summed up perfectly by this quote:

HAROLD: "Father, I would prefer it if you didn't refer to my fiancé as an old slag" 

Albert thought more of Hercules the horse than he ever did for any of Harold's girlfriends, poor Harold. 

Finally, the alarming vision of skeletal pensioner Steptoe, ghostly white and hairless proudly bathing in the kitchen sink in front of a window with a box of Omo cleaning granules and scrubber left me spluttering on my toast, not to mention the effect on the poor woman opposite cleaning her windows....

AN ODE TO STEPTOE

Albert Ladysmith Steptoe a rough and withered fellow

Hairy nostrils, tattered clothes and false teeth that are yellow,

Grown up son called Harold who cannot cut the ties,

Albert clinging onto him, preventing his demise.

Smoking dirty fag butts, habitual enjoyment,

Trusted Rag N Bone men is their only true employment,

In Oil Drum Lane old Albert lives it's starting to decay,

A house of junk and clutter only adds to their dismay,

Bathing in the kitchen sink, this sight looks pretty grim,

Scrubbing all his rancid bits with scourers and some Vim,

But weary Harold looks at him and says 'You dirty old man'

But Albert Steptoe makes me laugh,I am your biggest fan!

4th: JIM ROYLE (The Royle Family)

Lazy, female bashing ,cynical, hairy, smelly are some of the shining attributes of the lovably useless Jim Royle yet, realism however damning the qualities are something to relate to and identify with because your own dad had probably more in common with Mr Royle than Mr Clark Kent.

Watching the Royle family became somewhat of a ritual of fascination in my household. Jim,Barbara,Denise,Antony, David and Nana was a bit like watching ourselves yet we were safe in the knowledge that we we weren't quite that bad so felt a little better about ourselves (the Jeremy Kyle syndrome, except with better teeth)

JIM ROYLE: "These pants cost me a quid, I've got 50 pence worth stuck up me arse!"

Jim's triumphant announcements of his impending visits to the toilet cracked me up and even more so when discussions of the remaining aroma became the topic of the family debates.

 JIM ROYLE: "I'm off to ave a chat with the Arabs, Mustafa Crap"

I found myself understanding the Jim Royle way of existing without obvious affection and tactility and bickering yet in a understandable way.

It was not only Jim's acerbic humour which affected me but his deep rooted care and concern when the family jabs got too hard, I loved the way that there were no group hugs and kisses here just a unique way of settling and finding comfort with each other's inertia, not in a fake televised 'TV' way.
In homage to the brilliant Royle Family my husband and I even attempted some roleplay of Jim and Denise and their comfy lifestyle....

The Royle's in our own front room

3rd DAN CONNER (Roseanne)

Well, I have to have at least one American offering so as not to look too patriotic however Dan Conner is the only dad on my list who I genuinely wished was actually my dad!

Huge, dependable, funny, strong all wrapped up in one big bear of a man was Dan Conner.

I'm not a big fan of American sitcoms but Roseanne was one of a few which I liked immensely and watched every week in the 80's. 

I loved the relationship between the Conner family, all of them were normal looking people, no supermodels, no huge bouffant 80's hairdos, no one was actually that attractive which to me smacks of normal, identifiable through our matching inadequate failings. The daughters Becky & Darlene were scruffy and moody, D.J the little brother was puny and annoying, Roseanne's sister was interfering and Roseanne was a bit fat but Dan was even fatter with his red lumberjack shirt clinging to his huge belly but Dan held it together for everyone.

DAN CONNER: "Remember the family motto, we're Conners, we gotta eat"

I love the way Dan protected his kids from the pain of growing up and boyfriends:

MARK (BECKY'S BOYFRIEND): "You think you can stop me seeing Becky huh?"

DAN CONNER: "No but I think I can stop you seeing tomorrow."

Dan Conner represented perfectly the paranoid protective parent trying desperately to not let his daughters grow up, I never had that from my dad so watching Dan made me yearn for a dad who cared who I went out with and was bothered about where I was and what I did.

The character was not without faults after an affair poisoned their marriage and I think the character even died in the end of a heart attack but I like to cherry pick the best parts of a TV series that shines in its prime entertaining me immensely.
Dan Conner, I salute you.

2nd FRANK SPENCER (Some Mothers Do Ave Em)

I was born in the 70's so Some Mothers Do Ave Em was very much watched and loved.

My first impressions of the hapless plum known as Frank Spencer was that how could someone so stupid actually have sex and produce a baby daughter? But putting my cynicism firmly to one side, I always loved Frank because of the resounding and comforting innocence he displayed as a man, as a husband and definitely as a dad.

His fashion sense was questionable as were many dads in the 70's, if I ever came across a grown man in a raincoat and beret when I was 7 I would've assumed he was some French flasher and would run screaming back home but in hindsight it was all acceptable in the 70's.

I remember being very impressed with the manic stunts that Frank performed with my favourite one being the extended roller skate ride throughout the town. I remember this because they did actually film this sequence a mile from my real house near Edmonton Green bus station, I recognised the round concrete steps which have since been demolished. I have included this clip below...

Frank made us all laugh, it was a true family show which we could all enjoy. I remember my own dad sniggering at Betty's mother's response to her daughter's marriage;

BETTY: Our marriage was great shock to her, she wanted me to marry someone else.

FRANK: Who?

BETTY: No one in particular, just someone else.

I think I was so endeared by Frank because he was absolutely nothing like my own dad, Frank failed to navigate the simplest of daily tasks, couldn't hold down a job and spoke like a child. This dumbfounded me, as children we assume everyone's dad is like our own.

One of my memorable scenes is when Frank is hanging onto the back of a moving bus and the conductor comes along and Frank screams, 'I haven't got any change!!'  (see attached link)

Click here for the rollerskating clip of Frank...

Observational humour amuses me so, and I love the simplistic and innocent 70's sitcoms, some were a bit awful but there were a few amazing ones that came in at a time when we were all a little more innocent & happier just like Frank which is why he is one of my top TV dads.

1st MAX BRANNING (Eastenders)

I have to confess, ginger men are not on my wish list and Ed Sheeran is included in that even though he's quite hip, so when the copper delights of Max Branning's shiny head stirred my loins I was somewhat flustered and a little embarrassed.

He is in fact, a totally untrustworthy cheating liar of a husband who after many family feuds, secret marriages,numerous affairs with teenagers was buried alive in an open grave by his wife and run over by his alcoholic mad daughter, that aside he's alright.

In real life of course I would hate every fibre of his being and be revolted at his  antics and deceitful nature however this is TV world so because of that I can forgive and fantasise at being shacked up in the car lot for an afternoon tryst with the balding ginger one.

He is by far the most coolest and strangely attractive dad I've ever encountered and not many in fact none of my dads are on my list because they are sexy believe me...Max is the exception, he is one sexy bad lad dad.

He saunters around in his fitted white shirts and smart suit trousers that cling terribly snugly to that pert firm bottom that I'm struggling to recall any of his classic quotes...sorry.

My 2nd small song and ode to Max Branning can be found here in a song entitled,

 'Isn't Max So Lovely'.... (Click this link to see video on you tube or click play below)